Tales From a Douche Bag

if it were a dream, there'd be tacos

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:56:04 GMT

So, I finally gave in to peer pressure and bought My First Vibrator last night. I'm actually kinda disappointed. I guess it's because I've been hearing for so many years about how vibrators are the messiah and they make sexual contact with other people completely obsolete.

I mean, it was nice, but still.... I prefer my time-tested, homemade recipe for masturbation. Double A batteries just throw all sorts of confusion into the mix. Sex and technology don't mix very well.

Oddly enough, sex toys are illegal in Alabama. Which doesn't keep anybody from buying them, under the pretense of "TO BE USED FOR NOVELTY PURPOSES ONLY LOL WINKWINK". Kind of like all those glass pipes that we technically use to smoke "tobacco" out of.

We all hate you, buddy

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 09:37:29 GMT

Just give up and leave the fucking band already! You've already alienated yourself from all of us. You've made clear on several occasions what you think of us, and I think you know that the entire band despises you. You're a sexist, creepy White Supremacist overpriveliged rich white boy who just so happens to be a fucking sociopath.

Don't think we haven't heard the stories of what you were like in high school, and the things that you did to people (like, umm, beating the living shit out of a teenage girl? Sound familiar?). I can't make this any clearer: you just. fucking. suck. So, whoopdee-hoo, your dad's a goddamned dentist and your hometown is a rich snobby Nazi utopia. You snub me probably because I look poor and you assume I am, but I know that if you had any idea what my parents do for a living and how much money they make (HINT: It's a lot, lot, lot more than what your dentist dad makes, but they don't feel the need to buy me a fucking Audi to show off), your attitude towards me would do a complete fucking 360. You only consider people worth talking to if they have money (and are WHITE), you sick fucking elitist.

Christ, just GIVE UP already. We'll all know you're only in the band to get pussy, anyways. Good luck with that, fucker.

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 08:08:00 GMT

Bama for the win. That was so much more than any of us expected. What an awesome, awesome game.

I've got the rick roll song stuck in my head. I love getting rickrolled.

Cute Endless:

you make me feel like a lusty seagull

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 22:58:12 GMT

Apparently, last night was really fun. I remember bit and pieces... going to a Mary Kay party (?), playing Rock Band for the first time, going to a crowded Greek bar to see a friend play. I remember being served the strongest whiskey sour I'd ever had in my life, and it taking me maybe 45 minutes to finish. It was made with Evan Williams, which was the first drink I ever got drunk on.

pack the mules up shoot the horses skeleton in my bed

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 19:38:43 GMT

Ok, I've been awake for two days now. I made it to Music History, but I must have nodded off like 80 times, each time for only a few seconds. I didn't learn much. I think everyone kept wondering why I kept almost falling out of my chair every thirty seconds or so.

So I sold old textbooks that I had sworn I'd keep for weed and beer money. I felt kind of bad... for like five minutes.

My friends are playing at Egan's tonight. They're basically an American version of the Pogues, but with better teeth. The accordionist is quite the funny man when you get him talking about foreign relations in Russia and Eastern Europe.

I'm sick of foreigners fucking with my thermostat.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:23:19 GMT

This shit has been going on for years. I've lived with four foreigners over the years, and not a damned one of them understood the concept of Fahrenheit or how to use a fucking thermostat. They all also had their own fucked up ideas of how the A/C should be run depending on where they were from. the Bulgarian, the Japanese, and the Vietnamese girls always turned the A/C off every chance they could, and keep it sweltering hot even in the summer. The bitch from Saskatchewan, though... she kept it 60 fucking degrees in my house.

And roommates are just always so damned sneaky about the thermostat. The current one (the Japanese girl) goes to the thermostat like FIVE MINUTES after I turn it on, and just turns it off like I'm not even gonna fucking notice. She won't even turn up the temp (the fucking thing is always set on AUTO), she'll just turn it off. I wake up fucking covered in sweat. I already bought a lighter blanket, but the bitch will not stop doing this. If the paranoid bitch didn't keep her door locked 24/7 I'd train the cats to attack her.

Fuck!!! Roommates!! Agghh!! I miss the bulgarian one, though. It took me about a month or two to understand anything she said, but we ended up becoming best friends. She lives in KEN-tucky now, as she pronounces it. Ahh, Lubi.... good times! And some fucked up times, as well. But they were also pretty good in retrospect.

You call me ling ling, I'll call you panda fist

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:24:01 GMT

baby I got that old sleep deprivation high..... Now why don't you mix me up another gin & tonic? Bitch, don't make me tell you twice.

make fuck like dog bark moon make fuck like dog bark !! !! (arf arf arf, arf arf arf!)

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:46:21 GMT

If I stop posting, I will fall asleep. If I fall asleep, one of those big fucking pod-creatures in my hallway will steal my skin and wear it.

What in the fuck am I doing? I'm completely mindfucking my entire life, just because of some faggotty sentimental "identity crisis"?

Why am I wasting my life like this? I have all these stupid rock star dreams, ever since I was a kid. I want to be a goddamned entertainer, because that's what I've been trained to do, and it's what I love. I've been onstage since I was 12, and I can't leave it without going crazy. I don't have any other marketable skills, other than being intelligent, attractive, and good in bed. What'll that get me? A job as a high-class call girl?

Professional skills: sings, dances (sort of), plays a multitude of ridiculous instruments, here to serve all your entertainment needs. I'll end up as a birthday party clown or as a stripper. I'm not good enough at any one skill to make a living from it. I'm a half-assed Jack-of-all-Trades.

I need to move to a big, crowded city and busk all day. Preferably while wearing mime makeup. And a corset.

stay awake!

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:20:04 GMT

I have to stay awake. If I don't stay awake I miss Music History III again, and then I'm fucked. My secret is to not eat anything at all, keep taking energy shots, and smoke what's left of my shitty, shitty shwag.

So, I think that two of my friends (or as I like to call them, my "only friends") are going to murder each other sometime soon. One week he has a split bloody lip, next week she has bruises around her neck, she slices up her entire body with a razor, he cuts his hand by getting so angry that he punches through glass, etc. etc. etc.....and yet they stay together. Pure fucking masochism. I'm so sick of coming out of class or work with five or six missed calls on my phone, and mostly indecipherable voice mails about "Oh I'm gonna kill myself I need you to come over blah blah blah". That's happened like 800 fucking times over the past year. She always cheers up five minutes after I get there, so I KNOW that at this point it's like her subconscious cry for attention. And why do I still hang around? You guessed it, folks: pure fucking masochism.

Got. To. Stay. Awake. Even if it means posting in this goddamn thing all night just to have something to do. I wish I had a pack of smokes.

My wacky misadventures with the same sex

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 08:16:15 GMT

I can't wait to get out of this town, but God, will I miss the sin.

Anyways. I joined some campus homo group today. The girl at the desk said, "I only joined this to get laid." I said, "Well, that's the only reason I'm joining it." They've demolished the only gay bar in town; where am I supposed to find the poon? All the lesbians in this town are sketchy as shit, anyways. I hate the fact that we have to drive to birmingham to go to gay bars, and those assholes charge ridiculous covers.

I don't even like bars. I just want to find a woman who -

A. Isn't straight
b. Isn't crazy (tall order)
c. at least mildly attractive
d. is interested in me.
e. is not too intimidating to approach

bloooooog

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:55:50 GMT

So I decided to start a livejournal account again. I haven't had one for years and years. It's probably still out there, full of adolescent whining.

If you break up with someone, and two weeks later they end up as an inpatient at a mental hospital, does that automatically make you an evil soul-sucking cunt?

I dunno... but I sure feel like one today. On with the soul-sucking!